Independence...or not?

I am under so much pressure. The scrutiny and the cynicism and the judgmental attitude of everyone is finally starting to get to me.

I really don’t consider myself a bad Muslim…I know I’m not perfect and I know I’ve had a lot of bumps recently, but I am my harshest critic. I know that as a fact.

It’s not that I don’t accept criticism, it’s just that I’ve never really been through a marathon of criticism like this I just don’t know to deal with this.

The main issue is that I don’t wear hijab. That’s a personal choice of mine. I don’t want to have something imposed on me if I am not fully in grasp of my religion. I’m waiting for that to happen.
It’s different here. It’s standard that you put on the hijab once you’re of age—no questions asked. We could sit here and argue the morality of this all day long but I’m sick of having discussions about that. Bottom line is, I’m not really enjoying the stereotyping of me as the crazy girl with no sense of religion whatsoever.

There are plenty of girls that wear hijab that are good Muslims, and there are plenty of girls who aren’t. Talking smack about other people all the time doesn’t make you a good person, much less a good Muslim, even if you wear the hijab. You can’t do something right and another thing wrong and expect to be fine because you appear to fit the Muslim appearance. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I’m venting right now because a sheikh was visiting just now and I walked outside to grab something and he made quite a jabbing comment about how I was dressed: I’m wearing a short-sleeved dress that comes down to my shins. I think it’s demure enough. It’s not tight, there is no room for cleavage to show, and I’m not wearing stilettos. In my book, it’s something I can wear with no guilt.

I just don’t understand it. I’m fed up, but at this point, I just don’t care. I want to focus on what I’ll be doing the next four weeks. I was just thinking about this last night. It seems like everyone here acts and dresses and talks and behaves in a way to satisfy everyone else, but themselves. I’m not beingselfish when I say this, but I don’t work that way. My parents and religion have drew the lines in the sand for me and

------ June 7th update -----
I was sitting on the roof when my dad walked in. So I stopped writing and explained to him all of this. It helped talking to more than a computer.