One test down, two to go! It's midterms week and I'm super crazy running around trying to fit in time to study between Model UN stuff and work and Greek Week stuff and waxing XTX's body hair off and all the wonderful things that happen at Austin College!
I'm taking a study break from microeconomics right now...it's not tough stuff but I'm worried I'm too overconfident for this test. We just finished up round robins about an hour ago...made me realize how much I miss pledgeship!
I had an awful day yesterday...I was in tears all day long and breaking down because I hadn't slept and was extremely stressed about Lebanon stuff and new developments with that and the bomb plot at the building my dad works in in Downtown Dallas was freaking me out.
I will be done with my stressful week at 10 PM tomorrow, when our Model UN session wraps up! Then I'll be having a bit of fun with my twin ;) We've made it a tradition to wind down Wednesday nights. It's something I'm sure will continue!
Okaaaaaaaaaay, back to studying!
A song for you:
I would not dump my complaints with all there is to say,
So hey God you can sit back you can lay all your weary troubles on us,
And God we will not pray not today.
I say this is your day off cause today it's gonna be a good day.
Peace,
Asil
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
What I've learned in college this week...
Dear Mom,
This was a pretty good week.
I had dinner with Todd and Abbey Williams Wednesday night (in lieu of going to Model UN) in Dallas with the other GO Fellowship recipients. I had a great time and it was the first time all of us had actually sat down all together and shared stories and pictures about each of our volunteer experiences.
Being a country leader is so much fun! I am so excited for the year and there's a lot of tough work ahead but my Zambia people are amazing to work with! I am so so so so looking forward to Chicago.
Natalie, Yvette, and I are trying to start a Wednesday Wine tradition. Maybe throw a bit of a spaghetti in there too. Wednesday may not be the best day for all three members of our lovely Omega Zeta family, but Natalie and I were ready to have some fun. So wine on Wednesday night was very, very good. I have the best twin and big sister in the world!
In other news, I have three tests next week. It looks like that Ingrid Michaelson concert isn't happening. I've got two on Wednesday and the concert is Tuesday night. If anyone wants a ticket, it's $30 and on sale now!
I'm praying that the quesiness in my stomach is from a messed-up sleep schedule and from not eating much. No swine flu for me please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I'm so bad at taking hints. From guys, specifically. So so so so bad. Thank goodness for friends. I'm just a friend to everyone. Sheeesh. Well I'm going to start telling everyone that I'm married with three children. Hopefully that will solve the problem.
Today was beautiful! My alarm clock did not wake me up...it was the sunshine from the window! Amazing! I went for my morning run as usual and afterwards I just wanted to sit outside all day...which I did. I studied and played guitar and the ukelele and sang and hungout with a few friends on the lawn.
I found a cat in Clyce yesterday.
I think that's it for now!
Peace,
Asil
This was a pretty good week.
I had dinner with Todd and Abbey Williams Wednesday night (in lieu of going to Model UN) in Dallas with the other GO Fellowship recipients. I had a great time and it was the first time all of us had actually sat down all together and shared stories and pictures about each of our volunteer experiences.
Being a country leader is so much fun! I am so excited for the year and there's a lot of tough work ahead but my Zambia people are amazing to work with! I am so so so so looking forward to Chicago.
Natalie, Yvette, and I are trying to start a Wednesday Wine tradition. Maybe throw a bit of a spaghetti in there too. Wednesday may not be the best day for all three members of our lovely Omega Zeta family, but Natalie and I were ready to have some fun. So wine on Wednesday night was very, very good. I have the best twin and big sister in the world!
In other news, I have three tests next week. It looks like that Ingrid Michaelson concert isn't happening. I've got two on Wednesday and the concert is Tuesday night. If anyone wants a ticket, it's $30 and on sale now!
I'm praying that the quesiness in my stomach is from a messed-up sleep schedule and from not eating much. No swine flu for me please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I'm so bad at taking hints. From guys, specifically. So so so so bad. Thank goodness for friends. I'm just a friend to everyone. Sheeesh. Well I'm going to start telling everyone that I'm married with three children. Hopefully that will solve the problem.
Today was beautiful! My alarm clock did not wake me up...it was the sunshine from the window! Amazing! I went for my morning run as usual and afterwards I just wanted to sit outside all day...which I did. I studied and played guitar and the ukelele and sang and hungout with a few friends on the lawn.
I found a cat in Clyce yesterday.
I think that's it for now!
Peace,
Asil
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So Take Too Many Pictures, Laugh Too Much...
Life is way too short.
So much has happened in the past few weeks that it is incredible to begin to process. It unfortunately took a death of a friend for me to realize that what I went through this summer cannot consume me. I have a life to live and I have been taking advantage of way too much, specifically time.
I've taken time for granted. I keep thinking to myself that this will pass...all I need is time. It's going to be a rough couple of months and I won't be exactly myself. That part is mostly true. But the way I looked at it was not something I am proud of.
I wish I could have opened my eyes earlier and realized that being out of place is part of the process of cope and acceptance, but I should NEVER allow it to come between me and my life...which is exactly what I've been allowing it to do.
I've always been the one with positive thoughts, who saw the cup half full, who saw the world as a good place with some strides being made every day for improvements. It's not until something this drastic and serious and personal hits you do you realize that perhaps the only reason I have always been so optimistic was because I've never walked those hundred rugged miles that someone else may be walking right now.
And I want to walk alongside with them so badly. But it is impossible, not to mention unnecessary. In fact, the world would be much better off if I didn't. I'm not sure how to explain it. If you'd like to know the entire story, find me somewhere on campus and I'll tell you (on a good day). But this is something better not posted on the world wide web.
So the dilemma here is this: there's a moral obligation of being someone's rock. Not necessarily supporting their actions. In fact, I am trying to think of ways to discourage this individual from following through with their plans. That puts me at risk as well. The other side of the moral dilemma is sitting back anddoing nothing at all...because the reality is that there is NOTHING I can do. Absolutely nothing. So should I accept the facts and move on, hoping that it won't take too much of a toll on my conscience (which I am quite certain it will).
The question here is comparable to an 800 pound gorilla in the room. It will NEVER go away. I've exhausted all my resources as well. I've talked to best friends, professors, professionals, even a stranger at a nursing home. The conclusion? Well, there is no single one.
The bottom line? I need to sleep. Eat. Socialize. Not perpetually lose so much weight. Or sleep again. I need to get my life back in order. Our hierarchy of needs hads a physiological base. I'm not even getting the basics of life down...keeping my body running.
Speaking of which, that's the only thing I've really done consistently: running for a half hour or 45 minutes every morning. It's refreshing and those endorphins help me focus my thoughts to the more important things. It's a good quick-fix. I'm glad I've been keeping up with that.
I have more motivation than ever to keep going. I reached a turning point, and I am in tears from happiness.
Peace,
Asil
So much has happened in the past few weeks that it is incredible to begin to process. It unfortunately took a death of a friend for me to realize that what I went through this summer cannot consume me. I have a life to live and I have been taking advantage of way too much, specifically time.
I've taken time for granted. I keep thinking to myself that this will pass...all I need is time. It's going to be a rough couple of months and I won't be exactly myself. That part is mostly true. But the way I looked at it was not something I am proud of.
I wish I could have opened my eyes earlier and realized that being out of place is part of the process of cope and acceptance, but I should NEVER allow it to come between me and my life...which is exactly what I've been allowing it to do.
I've always been the one with positive thoughts, who saw the cup half full, who saw the world as a good place with some strides being made every day for improvements. It's not until something this drastic and serious and personal hits you do you realize that perhaps the only reason I have always been so optimistic was because I've never walked those hundred rugged miles that someone else may be walking right now.
And I want to walk alongside with them so badly. But it is impossible, not to mention unnecessary. In fact, the world would be much better off if I didn't. I'm not sure how to explain it. If you'd like to know the entire story, find me somewhere on campus and I'll tell you (on a good day). But this is something better not posted on the world wide web.
So the dilemma here is this: there's a moral obligation of being someone's rock. Not necessarily supporting their actions. In fact, I am trying to think of ways to discourage this individual from following through with their plans. That puts me at risk as well. The other side of the moral dilemma is sitting back anddoing nothing at all...because the reality is that there is NOTHING I can do. Absolutely nothing. So should I accept the facts and move on, hoping that it won't take too much of a toll on my conscience (which I am quite certain it will).
The question here is comparable to an 800 pound gorilla in the room. It will NEVER go away. I've exhausted all my resources as well. I've talked to best friends, professors, professionals, even a stranger at a nursing home. The conclusion? Well, there is no single one.
The bottom line? I need to sleep. Eat. Socialize. Not perpetually lose so much weight. Or sleep again. I need to get my life back in order. Our hierarchy of needs hads a physiological base. I'm not even getting the basics of life down...keeping my body running.
Speaking of which, that's the only thing I've really done consistently: running for a half hour or 45 minutes every morning. It's refreshing and those endorphins help me focus my thoughts to the more important things. It's a good quick-fix. I'm glad I've been keeping up with that.
I have more motivation than ever to keep going. I reached a turning point, and I am in tears from happiness.
Peace,
Asil
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Love is so powerful.
My sisters and brothers are phenomenal. I don't think I could move on without them.
Peace,
Asil
♥ Omega Zeta ♥
Peace,
Asil
♥ Omega Zeta ♥
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Stream of Consciousness
Excuse me if I sound incoherent, but...
Exactly one month ago, today, my life changed forever. They say ignorance is bliss. Some days I firmly believe that, other days I suffer with the knowledge that I parted Lebanon with but struggle to accept that perhaps this knowledge has some sort of significance in the future. What I do know is that right now, the way things are, I am not strong enough to climb this mountain. I don't think I ever will, and I hope nobody on the face of the planet has to deal with what I am dealing with right now.
Let's look at the bright side though...well, there isn't much of one. In fact, I am pretty certain that whatever ending this brings will be a very painful one. For me, for several individuals, for our respective families, and for our communities. It's a sucky situation and all I can do is wait.
I'm not a particularly impatient person but I am finding myself extremely anxious whenever I think of the concept of time. It's something so intangible, yet it has a lot of lines to memorize for this chaotic play we call life. It is silent, it is tragic and you do not notice it until something shakes up any previous conception you've had of time.
I am not going to lie...I am a mess right now. I wish I could rebound from this like I've rebounded from so many things. Right now, I just wish I could pretend to be happy. Even putting on a fake smile has become extremely difficult.
I haven't read a single textbook page since Friday afternoon. I'm already falling behind in schoolwork. Academics have always been a good reason for me to bounce back and focus, as well as a good distraction from whatever may be troubling me. Needless to say, this time it's not working.
I realize a lot...much more than I will admit to. The problem is acceptance. Acceptance is impossible right now and will be impossible for many, many months to come.
I will never be the same person again. Ever. I look at the world through a different lens. I look at time differently. There is such a thing called fate, believe me on that one. Had I not delayed my flight from Lebanon to the United States one more week, I would never be dealing with this now...I would be the same cheery, optimistic Asil that everyone and their mothers know.
The handful of people I have talked to about this have all told me the same thing: that this is a situation that is bigger than all of us...that it is literally out of my control. There is NOTHING I can do...absolutely nothing. Any effort will lead to failure or danger, or both. It's most disheartening when someone else actually says it. I knew this all along...or at least for a couple of weeks now. That phrase, "Asil, there is nothing you can do" is the most painful thing to hear.
I am way too small for this. Way too small. It's overwhelming. It's incredible how things happen. I'm trying to figure out how to be selfish for once in my damn life. It's the most difficult task I have ever been assigned. The problem is that I am not convinced that being selfish is the right thing to do. Even being unselfish isn't going to help much either. It gets down to the numbers some days....other days it gets down to pure emotion. There has been a constant battle between mind and heart and neither one has given me much relief at all.
The worst part is communication...or the lack thereof.
Please excuse me if I seem to be cold or crude or out of it for a while. I am not upset with anybody, I swear to that. I'm simply sitting in a ditch right now. Nobody, including myself, has a clue where I am and how I got there. I can't tell you when I get out. But the question is whether getting out will do anything at all. This problem is too incredible for anybody to carry. Nobody deserves to go through this.
Peace,
Asil
Exactly one month ago, today, my life changed forever. They say ignorance is bliss. Some days I firmly believe that, other days I suffer with the knowledge that I parted Lebanon with but struggle to accept that perhaps this knowledge has some sort of significance in the future. What I do know is that right now, the way things are, I am not strong enough to climb this mountain. I don't think I ever will, and I hope nobody on the face of the planet has to deal with what I am dealing with right now.
Let's look at the bright side though...well, there isn't much of one. In fact, I am pretty certain that whatever ending this brings will be a very painful one. For me, for several individuals, for our respective families, and for our communities. It's a sucky situation and all I can do is wait.
I'm not a particularly impatient person but I am finding myself extremely anxious whenever I think of the concept of time. It's something so intangible, yet it has a lot of lines to memorize for this chaotic play we call life. It is silent, it is tragic and you do not notice it until something shakes up any previous conception you've had of time.
I am not going to lie...I am a mess right now. I wish I could rebound from this like I've rebounded from so many things. Right now, I just wish I could pretend to be happy. Even putting on a fake smile has become extremely difficult.
I haven't read a single textbook page since Friday afternoon. I'm already falling behind in schoolwork. Academics have always been a good reason for me to bounce back and focus, as well as a good distraction from whatever may be troubling me. Needless to say, this time it's not working.
I realize a lot...much more than I will admit to. The problem is acceptance. Acceptance is impossible right now and will be impossible for many, many months to come.
I will never be the same person again. Ever. I look at the world through a different lens. I look at time differently. There is such a thing called fate, believe me on that one. Had I not delayed my flight from Lebanon to the United States one more week, I would never be dealing with this now...I would be the same cheery, optimistic Asil that everyone and their mothers know.
The handful of people I have talked to about this have all told me the same thing: that this is a situation that is bigger than all of us...that it is literally out of my control. There is NOTHING I can do...absolutely nothing. Any effort will lead to failure or danger, or both. It's most disheartening when someone else actually says it. I knew this all along...or at least for a couple of weeks now. That phrase, "Asil, there is nothing you can do" is the most painful thing to hear.
I am way too small for this. Way too small. It's overwhelming. It's incredible how things happen. I'm trying to figure out how to be selfish for once in my damn life. It's the most difficult task I have ever been assigned. The problem is that I am not convinced that being selfish is the right thing to do. Even being unselfish isn't going to help much either. It gets down to the numbers some days....other days it gets down to pure emotion. There has been a constant battle between mind and heart and neither one has given me much relief at all.
The worst part is communication...or the lack thereof.
Please excuse me if I seem to be cold or crude or out of it for a while. I am not upset with anybody, I swear to that. I'm simply sitting in a ditch right now. Nobody, including myself, has a clue where I am and how I got there. I can't tell you when I get out. But the question is whether getting out will do anything at all. This problem is too incredible for anybody to carry. Nobody deserves to go through this.
Peace,
Asil
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The world is spinning....oh, right. I'm fasting.
So yesterday was our first day of classes. I started off the day at 4:45, eating a bit before sunrise then going for a run around 7 am around campus. It wasn't the best run I've had, but I've forgotten just how much I enjoy mornings.
International Law is going to be a great class (needless to say, with a ton of reading) and I met up with my mentor to fill him in on my Lebanon trip.
My freshmen make me so happy. They are the most enthusiastic people you will ever meet. The cutest ones are the ones that get lost on campus. Yes, our tiny, tiny Austin College campus is one that has the potential to confuse people on their way to class. Don't fear...they will learn quickly that this is a very, very small school.
On the subject of being a small school, one of my freshmen stopped me in the bathroom last night and said that she just remembered who I was. Apparently during a visit in the Spring, she remembers me as the girl who "studied economics in her room for 3 hours straight then danced on the roof for the rest of the night".
In other news, I am becoming really, really nostalgic. After receiving a text message from overseas from a teacher I worked with while in Lebanon, I started missing the orphanage all over again. Leaving Lebanon has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm saving up $12 a week so I can go back next summer.
It's been a tough transition. I went to Midday Prayers on campus yesterday and prayed for all the children I worked with this summer. There's a huge gap in my heart until I see their faces again.
Peace,
Asil
International Law is going to be a great class (needless to say, with a ton of reading) and I met up with my mentor to fill him in on my Lebanon trip.
My freshmen make me so happy. They are the most enthusiastic people you will ever meet. The cutest ones are the ones that get lost on campus. Yes, our tiny, tiny Austin College campus is one that has the potential to confuse people on their way to class. Don't fear...they will learn quickly that this is a very, very small school.
On the subject of being a small school, one of my freshmen stopped me in the bathroom last night and said that she just remembered who I was. Apparently during a visit in the Spring, she remembers me as the girl who "studied economics in her room for 3 hours straight then danced on the roof for the rest of the night".
In other news, I am becoming really, really nostalgic. After receiving a text message from overseas from a teacher I worked with while in Lebanon, I started missing the orphanage all over again. Leaving Lebanon has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm saving up $12 a week so I can go back next summer.
It's been a tough transition. I went to Midday Prayers on campus yesterday and prayed for all the children I worked with this summer. There's a huge gap in my heart until I see their faces again.
Peace,
Asil
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