The Only Constant is Change

I usually am a reflective person, I've just gotten very lazy about writing in this blog.

Mmmmmm whatcha say? I guess we'll go with another stream of consciousness.

- Just got back from Chicago on Wednesday. Had a crazy overnight delay in Atlanta. Adnan, Marilyn, and I are BFFs now. Adnan and I were so sleep deprived that we got to a point where we were the equivalent of being legally drunk. We giggled at the gate to Dallas for a good 20 minutes about...Fiji water.

- Thanksgiving was great! Good food, good people. My sister's birthday was today too. And Eid started today! I'm glad to be home.

- My aunt from Saudi Arabia, her husband, and her four girls will be visitng us next weekend. This just adds so much more energy to what is already here in the Yassine household.

- Chicago was phenomenal. Joey and I rocked the WFP, I got to meet some cool people from Michigan and Venezuela, and I loved the city a lot. Model UN is such a drug.

- GOAL: To convince myself that no day in December is too cold to run in.

- Last three weeks have been rough rough rough rough. But life goes on.

- I really love Arrested Development. I don't know what I have been doing the last few years not watching that show!

- Lamb for Thanksgiving, Turkey for study abroad!



Now for the deep stuff...

I guess for the last few weeks (actually all this semester) I've been struggling a lot, particularly with telling myself "No". Sometimes it's good to put yourself first. Sometimes it's essential -- for your health, family, and friends. Sometimes it's good to tell yourself you can leave your problems at God's feet because we're only human and we need not carry all of this load. There are knots we cannot fix, people's mistakes that we cannot reverse, and decisions we have no say in. Life is democratic, but it is its own dictator sometimes. Fate exists to teach us lessons, to tell us that the sky really isn't the limit all the time. There are times when I look up and there's a ceiling. Our problems -- the big ones -- will somehow never just escape us. We're contained in the same room for a long, long time. They drive us insane, they upset us, anger us, make us shift the blame unto others, treat ourselves and our loved ones poorly. So then you feel crappy about yourself, about how you've changed and what you've missed out on. It seems like the entire world is at the mercy of your outlook on that particular day. Bad day? You'll be making everyone feel even crappier that they can't do anything to help. So then you feel crappy too, repeating the cycle over and over again. It's vicious.

I was always confused during the presentation at the beginning of flights when the flight attendants tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first, and then help others. There would be a video of a middle-aged mother nonchalantly securing the straps around her head and then casually reaching over to her young toddler to help her with her mask. I remember asking my mother why on Earth you wouldn't help the girl with her mask first. It never made sense to me. Nobody really has an answer to that without sounding just a little bit selfish. I understand the rationale, I just won't accept it. Helping others has always been my passion -- I find it easy, enjoyable, and fulfilling. There have been times where I have been unable to help someone, but making an effort is something I tried. For the first time in my life, I've been faced with something that is completely out of my control. I cannot help something that I am passionately against happening. Nor will I practically be able to stop something of its kind in the future. I am so distant from it, yet so incredibly personally attached to it. It has something and everything to do with me, and something and everything to do with another individual, and something and everything to do with a couple dozen unsuspecting victims. I fear that there is something that I can do -- that I am too ignorant or scared to be aware of. And that makes me scared. It makes me terrified that I will realize this later and will never accept myself again. I see that happening easily because I am my own toughest critic.

But what I've come to realize (but not accept) is that sometimes I have to lay my problems down in front of God and just say, This is too much. There's a bit too much that I can't handle. I know in the end that everything will be alright. That all will fall into place. It's very, very, very tough accepting that right now...how could everything fall into place after all of this proceeds to happen? But I have to keep chugging forward to reach that point of acceptance. After that, everything is downhill.


"The only constant is change..."



Peace,
Asil

Warrior

"Congratulations. You have been chosen to undergo a C2S pledgeship. This is NOT voluntary. You must be in front of the Clyce door facing Zauk at exactly 11:59 PM tonight. Your pledge captain will meet you there. NO EXCUSES."

Let's just say it was a good night.