I think we are familiar with the article that is the namesake of this blog post (and the subsequent responses here and here) which fueled the keyboards of many 20-somethings.
We all dug in. Quite whole-heartedly. Why?
Because we are dynamic.
Biologically, emotionally, professionally. You
never stop. As a result of this innate trait, you’ve either have 1) not
experienced something, or 2) been there and done that. Some of the recent
commentary has been from the crowd that has never been engaged to marry before,
and for good reason.
It simply reminded myself and my 20-something
peers that we have yet to experience something that seems so prevalent. It’s
one thing to know someone who has been involved in a school shooting, worked as
a photographer in the Himalayas, and been laid off from work, or received
coveted tickets from a radio talk show. But marriage? Tis the season. The
Atlantic just published a piece citing that 33% of engagements occur
between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. Because we’re inundated by this thing
we have never experienced before, our minds wander. If? Who? When? How? And
gosh – how does that all work if you’re [insert age here]? But my mind wanders about
many other experiences. How would my life be different if I was born into a
Buddhist family? There are more blog posts about finding love than about
Buddhist upbringings, so exposure may be part of the reason for the obsession.
But perhaps more relevant is the fact that
because we are dynamic, we have experienced some things, which undoubtedly
fueled the fire:
Expectations. We live in a
world of expectations and we all know what it feels like when an expectation is
not met. Relationships involve a delicate mix of timing and chemistry, among
other things. Many of us undoubtedly have had heartaches caused by either a vacuum
of chemistry or ill timing. I’ve experienced both. They are far from rainbows
and butterflies. Crushed expectations have taught us so much and have made us
indifferent, excited, or disgusted by marriage, as the three authors have
expressed.
Reciprocation. We shouldn’t
expect something in return for every favor we’ve done or gift we give. But when
it comes to emotions, reciprocation – or the lack thereof – is difficult to
ignore. It’s been the beat to so many songs. Listen to Ron Pope’s “One Grain of
Sand”. Enough said. “[Insert age here] and married” means that reciprocation is
not only strong, but supposedly eternal. Many of us haven’t been there, nor
done that. Fire up the keyboards.
Culture. The “nucleus” of human life looks
different in different cultures. For those of you know who me well, you have
heard me speak about the crazy accurate similarities between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and my
upbringing (loud cousins included). My Lebanese family, like Tula’s, agrees that
the family is the core of each of our lives. In other cultural contexts, that’s
not the case. To be empowered as an individual in the United States looks and
feels very different than being that in my parents’ hometowns in the Middle
East. Behind our keyboards, “23 and married” reverberates differently with
everyone.
I’m sure you can think of other reasons we
got carried into this. But what can we take away from this and move forward
with?
It’s the fact that whether the nucleus of
life is yourself, you + family, or you + a partner, we are made to be dynamic.
Being dynamic allows us to understand what we enjoy, what we loathe, what we
will never do again, and what we hope to try. But think about the good side of
dynamic, the positive kind. The kind of dynamic of doing good to yourself and
others. The people with positive dynamics tore down the Berlin wall, juggle
multiple jobs and get food on the table, produce some wicked Beyonce
choreography, write timeless novels, and care for aging parents. And in all of
those things, marriage may or may not have been a part of it.
Whatever allows you to be positively dynamic
is what you should cling onto. If flying solo with your closest friends has
taken you to high points, then hold onto them tightly. If your family has been
helping you find all that awesomeness of yours, then don’t let that go. And if
you stumble upon someone who you believe can walk with you as you are bringing
out the best of your dynamic self, then let’s celebrate that.
Who am I to
judge what brings the best out of you?
