“23 things to do before you turn 23”: Why we are obsessed with and what to take away from it.

I think we are familiar with the article that is the namesake of this blog post (and the subsequent responses here and here) which fueled the keyboards of many 20-somethings.

We all dug in. Quite whole-heartedly. Why?

Because we are dynamic.

Biologically, emotionally, professionally. You never stop. As a result of this innate trait, you’ve either have 1) not experienced something, or 2) been there and done that. Some of the recent commentary has been from the crowd that has never been engaged to marry before, and for good reason.

It simply reminded myself and my 20-something peers that we have yet to experience something that seems so prevalent. It’s one thing to know someone who has been involved in a school shooting, worked as a photographer in the Himalayas, and been laid off from work, or received coveted tickets from a radio talk show. But marriage? Tis the season. The Atlantic just published a piece citing that 33% of engagements occur between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. Because we’re inundated by this thing we have never experienced before, our minds wander. If? Who? When? How? And gosh – how does that all work if you’re [insert age here]? But my mind wanders about many other experiences. How would my life be different if I was born into a Buddhist family? There are more blog posts about finding love than about Buddhist upbringings, so exposure may be part of the reason for the obsession.

But perhaps more relevant is the fact that because we are dynamic, we have experienced some things, which undoubtedly fueled the fire:

Expectations. We live in a world of expectations and we all know what it feels like when an expectation is not met. Relationships involve a delicate mix of timing and chemistry, among other things. Many of us undoubtedly have had heartaches caused by either a vacuum of chemistry or ill timing. I’ve experienced both. They are far from rainbows and butterflies. Crushed expectations have taught us so much and have made us indifferent, excited, or disgusted by marriage, as the three authors have expressed.

Reciprocation. We shouldn’t expect something in return for every favor we’ve done or gift we give. But when it comes to emotions, reciprocation – or the lack thereof – is difficult to ignore. It’s been the beat to so many songs. Listen to Ron Pope’s “One Grain of Sand”. Enough said. “[Insert age here] and married” means that reciprocation is not only strong, but supposedly eternal. Many of us haven’t been there, nor done that. Fire up the keyboards.

Culture. The “nucleus” of human life looks different in different cultures. For those of you know who me well, you have heard me speak about the crazy accurate similarities between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and my upbringing (loud cousins included). My Lebanese family, like Tula’s, agrees that the family is the core of each of our lives. In other cultural contexts, that’s not the case. To be empowered as an individual in the United States looks and feels very different than being that in my parents’ hometowns in the Middle East. Behind our keyboards, “23 and married” reverberates differently with everyone.

I’m sure you can think of other reasons we got carried into this. But what can we take away from this and move forward with?

It’s the fact that whether the nucleus of life is yourself, you + family, or you + a partner, we are made to be dynamic. Being dynamic allows us to understand what we enjoy, what we loathe, what we will never do again, and what we hope to try. But think about the good side of dynamic, the positive kind. The kind of dynamic of doing good to yourself and others. The people with positive dynamics tore down the Berlin wall, juggle multiple jobs and get food on the table, produce some wicked Beyonce choreography, write timeless novels, and care for aging parents. And in all of those things, marriage may or may not have been a part of it.

Whatever allows you to be positively dynamic is what you should cling onto. If flying solo with your closest friends has taken you to high points, then hold onto them tightly. If your family has been helping you find all that awesomeness of yours, then don’t let that go. And if you stumble upon someone who you believe can walk with you as you are bringing out the best of your dynamic self, then let’s celebrate that. 

Who am I to judge what brings the best out of you?