Stream of Consciousness

Excuse me if I sound incoherent, but...

Exactly one month ago, today, my life changed forever. They say ignorance is bliss. Some days I firmly believe that, other days I suffer with the knowledge that I parted Lebanon with but struggle to accept that perhaps this knowledge has some sort of significance in the future. What I do know is that right now, the way things are, I am not strong enough to climb this mountain. I don't think I ever will, and I hope nobody on the face of the planet has to deal with what I am dealing with right now.

Let's look at the bright side though...well, there isn't much of one. In fact, I am pretty certain that whatever ending this brings will be a very painful one. For me, for several individuals, for our respective families, and for our communities. It's a sucky situation and all I can do is wait.

I'm not a particularly impatient person but I am finding myself extremely anxious whenever I think of the concept of time. It's something so intangible, yet it has a lot of lines to memorize for this chaotic play we call life. It is silent, it is tragic and you do not notice it until something shakes up any previous conception you've had of time.

I am not going to lie...I am a mess right now. I wish I could rebound from this like I've rebounded from so many things. Right now, I just wish I could pretend to be happy. Even putting on a fake smile has become extremely difficult.

I haven't read a single textbook page since Friday afternoon. I'm already falling behind in schoolwork. Academics have always been a good reason for me to bounce back and focus, as well as a good distraction from whatever may be troubling me. Needless to say, this time it's not working.

I realize a lot...much more than I will admit to. The problem is acceptance. Acceptance is impossible right now and will be impossible for many, many months to come.

I will never be the same person again. Ever. I look at the world through a different lens. I look at time differently. There is such a thing called fate, believe me on that one. Had I not delayed my flight from Lebanon to the United States one more week, I would never be dealing with this now...I would be the same cheery, optimistic Asil that everyone and their mothers know.

The handful of people I have talked to about this have all told me the same thing: that this is a situation that is bigger than all of us...that it is literally out of my control. There is NOTHING I can do...absolutely nothing. Any effort will lead to failure or danger, or both. It's most disheartening when someone else actually says it. I knew this all along...or at least for a couple of weeks now. That phrase, "Asil, there is nothing you can do" is the most painful thing to hear.

I am way too small for this. Way too small. It's overwhelming. It's incredible how things happen. I'm trying to figure out how to be selfish for once in my damn life. It's the most difficult task I have ever been assigned. The problem is that I am not convinced that being selfish is the right thing to do. Even being unselfish isn't going to help much either. It gets down to the numbers some days....other days it gets down to pure emotion. There has been a constant battle between mind and heart and neither one has given me much relief at all.

The worst part is communication...or the lack thereof.

Please excuse me if I seem to be cold or crude or out of it for a while. I am not upset with anybody, I swear to that. I'm simply sitting in a ditch right now. Nobody, including myself, has a clue where I am and how I got there. I can't tell you when I get out. But the question is whether getting out will do anything at all. This problem is too incredible for anybody to carry. Nobody deserves to go through this.

Peace,
Asil