Answer

"I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worthit
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright...

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight..."

- Sarah McLachlan


Generous and Merciful God,

It's been a year of ups and downs. You've seen me through the worst of times and the best of times. I have often neglected Your presence and Your grace. But I've learned that that's all I need. Because what You give to this world is essentially Your love and it is vastly superior to any other sentiment that Man has ever experienced. I pray that You will continue blessing my family, my friends, and my community and continue guiding this world through the most difficult challenges mankind has seen. Give us strength, oh Lord, to be motivated... patient... accountable... and to learn to love others as You do. Help us, oh Lord, to pay attention to the details in this fabric of life that are sustainable to the beauty You have constructed in this universe. Guide us, oh Lord, to take these challenges in grace, knowing fully that with everything there is a meaning. Lastly, dear God, continue strengthening the Barker family as they come to terms with such a tragedy. Fill their hearts with a sustainable peace and comfort. Be their pillar as they have been a pillar to so many in our community.

Amen.


Carpe diem,
Asil

Almost done

Almost there...this is crazy!!! Only 2.5 months until Morocco! I CANNOT WAIT!

Carpe diem,
Asil

Why Don't We Go Somewhere Only We Know

I need a job.

Spring break was awesome! Tried new stuff in Utah...really refreshing.

Also, I've pledged to change everything around. I know I've said it before...I mean it this time though. No more terrible days. I'm working to make that happen. There have been too many "never again" moments for me.

Life's good!

And love turns the whole thing around. -Jack Johnson


Carpe Diem,
Asil

Rock Bottom

:(

Lucky

"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or waken love until it so desires."
"Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love."
- Song of Solomon



Best feeling in the world :)



Carpe diem,
Asil

JanTerm Break

I've got a few days left to gear up for the new semester. I have a to-do list that has 17 items on it. That's crazy! It's good to be back to normal though. I'm glad picking up the pieces is moving along pretty well.

In other news, I need to update this thing more. So much runs through my head but I'm either too lazy or too indifferent to post it. But I really need to kick in the habit so I'll have record of my adventures when I go study abroad in the fall!

It's coming down to either the Balkans or Morocco...Turkey is still on the list but it's not a really good program. Pretty expensive too. I'd love Morocco...I know I will. It would be a great time to get my Arabic writing skills down once and for all. The problem is I'm so freakin attached to the Balkans now. I love studying conflict resolution. Morocco has that "clash of civilizations" but Turkey and the Balkans have that CLASH! It would be so interesting to go there. I've always been fascinated by the intersection of Islam and Christianity. I can always get Arabic down on my own time. I don;t know...there are a lot of pros and cons for each one. I need to tighten my belt and start getting decisive though. And I've always wanted to go to Africa...meh.

I'm renewing commitments:
- writing more snail mail
- being a bigger part of my sorority
- closing the gap between my sister and I
- continuing the twinsday tradition Natalie and I started
- keeping in touch with my big, Yvette
- showing people I love them dearly
- doing small things
- reforming some aspects of MSA
- read before going to bed every night
- reciprocating God's love for me


Bonne nuit!

Carpe diem,
Asil

Better Together

Love is the answer

At least for most of the questions of my heart

Like why are we here?

And where do we go?

And how come it's so hard?

It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving,

I'll tell you one thing...

It's always better when we're together.

------------------

"...I think that suffering is the way we test our love. Every act of suffering, no matter how small or agonisingly great, is a test of love in some way. Most of the time, suffering is also a test of our love for God."

- Shantaram, page 298

-------------------

I read this a couple of days ago and marked it in my book. It struck me as odd at first, then pretty logical once I read further. I'm fascinated to see how applicable it is. I started thinking of things people suffer from...

- Illnesses...brings families, friends closer as we become more aware of our finite time on this Earth

- Hunger...whether you live in the slums or in Willow Bend, we realize the value of not only keeping ourselves alive to experience all the wonderful things in this life, but also the value of helping others and sharing. Whether that's giving the last piece of bread to your sibling or volunteering at a soup kitchen, these actions reinforce human love towards each other. In the great words of Mr. Pourtakalis of My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "So, tonight we have here apples and oranges...but in the end, we're all fruit!"

- Not finding anywhere to sit on the subway: Whether that's ourself or a pregnant woman or an elderly person, sacrificing your seat, "suffering" for a mere few minutes in order to bring please to someone who needs it more is the ultimate test of love. Even towards complete strangers.

- Friendship: Friends suffer because we love each almost unconditionally. It's difficult to tell a friend that he or she is going astray because we fear that it will create a strain on the friendship, possibly destroying it. In that case, both people lose. But seeing someone fall while you are a bystander -- but not just any bystander, but a bystander who is deeply concerned for his or her's well-being -- is possibly the most incredible suffering of all. Not only do both friends lose, but they are personally afflicted terribly because of their own actions, or lack thereof.

- Not disappointing your family: Perhaps if there is any unconditional love on this Earth, it is the love between a parent and a child. We are all human, however. Meaning we may not always be sailing smoothly. The most difficult suffering is the one that is sprung from unconditional love because that love is blinding, almost paralyzing and yet just being a bystander is again an awful thing. No two humans are identical however. Communication between parents and children is important, I now realize. If they can't get on the same page about everything, then at least everyone knows where the next person stands.

- Love for one's self: We suffer when we make the realization that we're not perfect, we're not Superman, and we will falter and fail on many occasions. That knowledge is what knocks us down but it also encourages us to accept ourselves for who we truly are -- to embrace it and to express it appropriately. People love the genuine. Perhaps we don't like everything about ourselves -- I certainly don't -- but we should be encourage to love us as an individual. Sometimes that can't be achieved by ourselves. It's nice to have people recognize the good and not so good about you. But nobody can make you inferior or superior except yourself. They may tell you how beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, or kind you are, but if you cannot accept those characteristics, then we as a human suffers. Our relationships and friendships are based on a stack on superficial characteristics. And those friendships may eventually suffer as well. Loving one's self might save him or her from suffering of any kind. The list can go on and on.

And if all of that is too difficult to soak in (it's still kinda weird to me), I've come to realize that you can always turn to one type of love that will always exist: God's love for you. I should take my own advice sometimes -- nothing is truly hopeless. Nothing is ever completely lost. There are few things in this world that are "100%". Certainty and impermanence are our best friends and worst enemies. I can't scientifically prove God's affection towards mankind, but I certainly can feel it. True, I've neglected it before...on so many occasions. There were points this semester when I almost believed that God had completely forgotten about me, maybe forsaken me. Getting that out of my head was a test of love! It's incredible now that I'm connecting the dots. There's no specific science to it, I know. But perhaps one of the reasons why I felt like I was suffering much of the time was because I was so convinced that the love God has for me no longer existed.

Much has changed since then :) When you've hit rock bottom, at least you know there's no way to go except up.

Carpe diem,

Asil